It’s been a few months since my last blog, there is so much that has happened over the course of the past few months, that has caused me to do a great deal soul searching. I took a break from all social media, and limited contact with many people. I know some people may see it as isolation, some may think it’s depressive mode, but in my mind I don’t see it that way. I feel I have become a better person mentally and physically.
Going from daily suicidal thoughts and desires to maybe having one suicidal thought every few weeks seems to be a great deal of progress in my mind.
So in my soul searching mode, I started to wonder if everything that we encounter and feel on a daily basis was something that was already predetermined for our lives before we were even born. I know they say everything happens for a reason, and in a way I guess it does. Even though no one should feel hurt, no one should feel pain, no one should want to die on a daily basis, but is there a reason why we do? Is it to bring us to our lowest points to teach us to be humble, and appreciate all the good around us? Is it to make us a stronger human being? Is it to teach us to become more compassionate and understanding for what others are going through or have gone through? Sometimes in the midst of our own problems we become so self consumed that we lose touch with reality and don’t truly understand that many others are probably going through similar, if not worse situations than what we are ourselves are going through. When sometimes what we need is to just realize that there are many others out there who feel the same, or have felt the same at at least one point in their lives. Finding yourself, and understanding your purpose in life is something that only a few people have had the pleasure of truly discovering. Over these few months I can’t say that I have reached that point because it is still early on in my self discovery, but I know that there is something better out there for me then being depressed and being overwhelmed with the feeling of self hatred. There is more to my life than resenting people for not wanting to be understanding or having the capability of being compassionate towards the situation that I am in, after all a lot of the things I go through on a daily basis are the outcome of my own decisions and behaviors, yes I went through many things as a child, and experienced more in my life before the age of 18 than a lot of people experience in a lifetime, but that doesn’t change the fact that I as a woman need to forgive people who aren’t apologetic if I ever want to be truly released of all the demons who were left inside of me by the hands of another. I will never truly be able to move on if I hold on to that hurt and pain every single day, I have made that decision to let go and no longer allow others to control my life. I need to be strong for the sake of my family, I need to show my children that I am resilient, that I am capable of being strong, and that I am capable of forgiveness. I refuse to allow them to for down the same path I was lead down, they deserve better, they deserve the best. They deserve the best of me as their mother, no matter how hard it may be to allow myself to feel good, I need to allow it for their sake. And I urge anyone who reads this to do the same. If you don’t feel you are worth it to do it for yourself, do it for the people or person who matters most to you.