I am at the point in my life, When I need to the most reflective, where I need to revisit The past and let go of what has been causing the most pain. For many years I learned to cope with it all by just blocking it all out, by pretending a lot of things never happened, the embarrassment and shame surrounding certain situations lied deep in a dark place in my brain, locked behind a heavy door that I never wanted to find the key for that I had thrown away in the years prior. I subconsciously eased away any demons that tried to creep through the cracks by self medicating, and engaging in highly risky behavior. I unconsciously surrounded myself with people who weren’t the best influential crowd, I allowed them to take advantage of me (not sexually) in ways that my conscious state of mind knew better than. But, in that point in my life, I was OK with that, even though it made me miserable, and angry, and depressed. At that younger age, I didn’t know how to speak up for myself, I didn’t know how to stand my own ground, because for so many years, I was told I wasn’t worthy, I was told my thoughts meant nothing, I was told to just keep my mouth shut and go with the flow, I was told I was stupid, and undeserving of a better life, a better me, a better world. When you grow up with these words, and these actions by the people who you are supposed to be loved by the most, the people who are supposed to help mold you and your brain in a positive way, but they fail in doing so, it starts to cause you to believe and truly, deeply feel what they are saying to you, and about you. It becomes your inner voice. You feel like you aren’t good enough, because that’s what you have been taught, so while you “allow” (I put quotes there, because when you are young you have no choice but to go with the flow) for your entire life to be mind fucked by everyone who is influential around you, its what you are accustomed to, and what you believe to be normal. But what is normal? Do people really live those fairy tale lives? Or does everyone go through what you yourself have gone through? Are you just overreacting when you decide that you are no longer going to surround yourself with such behaviors? Or are you wrong for saying that’s not right, when in reality everyone has gone through things in their lives that have helped mold them who they are? Is this living this life what we were destined for? Is this what “God” had in store for us when he created us? I say “God” because in a perfect religious world, “God” has a plan for all of us, and before we are even brought into this world, “God” has already mapped out our lives for us, and places us in situations, and circumstances to help create and us who we become. I was raised in the church, and I can say that I never had bad experiences amongst the church family, with the few hypocrites, and judgemental people who attended but that is nothing far from the norm in the religious community. Although, I never had a bad experience, and actually enjoyed going to church growing up, I often wonder if there really, truly is a “God”. ” God” is said to protect the children of this world, and to be all loving, compassionate and understanding, and that we are created perfect in the eyes of “God”, but I wonder if that’s the case then why does ” God” allow us to be put in situations when we are still young, where we have no control? Why does he allow us to be put in situations that will negatively impact our entire lives the way that they have? Where was he when we needed our purity and innocence to be protected at vulnerable points in development? Why does “God” allow for us to choose parents who don’t love us? Who want to hurt us? Who neglect us? Who are taken from us? If there is a “God” I am not so sure that that is a “God” that I would want to obey. I am sure there are people who are going to have an issue with what I am saying, or people who will criticize me for the thoughts that go through my mind. But unlike many church goers who have the same thoughts, but refuse to open their mouths about it, or admit that think these things, and be hypocrites, by sitting in a pew every week, pretending that this is a life that they agree with, and have never questioned. These are the same people, who live their life in a sinful way all week long, yet put their nose up high to everyone else around them, as though they are not flawed themselves. If people truly believed in the bible, and believed in “God” they would know that they are in no place to be placing judgement on others, we are all sinful in our own ways, and only “God” can make the decision at the end of our lives as to where we will be throughout eternity. I am not saying that I don’t believe at all in “God”, I am not saying that he is not real, or impossible to understand, but I am questioning it all as I reflect on the way my life has been, on the way things happened to me at a vulnerable age, at the way things happen to many people at vulnerable ages, surrounded bysex abuse, childhood cancer, children born with HIV/AIDS, world hunger, homelessness, child neglect, child abuse or pain. Why, if “God” loved us equally and created us all equally, why in the world we he ever allow for children to be brought into this world under such harsh circumstances? Why would HE who is all loving, be OK with the fact that there are so many children who are pained in this world? Is “God” just a figment of peoples imagination? A way for people to bring hope in their hearts, and trust in something/someone just to help ease their minds a bit to help them through trying times? Or he is really truly there through it all watching every step and move we make, praying that we take the right steps and paths. Yes. As adults we make our own decisions, yes as adults we choose what path we go down, and we are the writer of our own stories and make a decision as to how our story will end, but my question is why is HE not protecting the young and innocent? How can HE allow for young children go through all of the above mentioned things?