Soul searching 

It’s been a few months since my last blog, there is so much that has happened over the course of the past few months, that has caused me to do a great deal soul searching. I took a break from all social media, and limited contact with many people. I know some people may see it as isolation, some may think it’s depressive mode, but in my mind I don’t see it that way. I feel I have become a better person mentally and physically. 

Going from daily suicidal thoughts and desires to maybe having one suicidal thought every few weeks seems to be a great deal of progress in my mind. 

So in my soul searching mode, I started to wonder if everything that we encounter and feel on a daily basis was  something that was already predetermined for our lives before we were even born. I know they say everything happens for a reason, and in a way I guess it does. Even though no one should feel hurt, no one should feel pain, no one should want to die on a daily basis, but is there a reason why we do? Is it to bring us to our lowest points to teach us to be humble, and appreciate all the good around us? Is it to make us a stronger human being? Is it to teach us to become more compassionate and understanding for what others are going through or have gone through? Sometimes in the midst of our own problems we become so self consumed that we lose touch with reality and don’t truly understand that many others are probably going through similar, if not worse situations than what we are ourselves are going through. When sometimes what we need is to just realize that there are many others out there who feel the same, or have felt the same at at least one point in their lives. Finding yourself, and understanding your purpose in life is something that only a few people have had the pleasure of truly discovering. Over these few months I can’t say that I have reached that point because it is still early on in my self discovery, but I know that there is something better out there for me then being depressed and being overwhelmed with the feeling of self hatred. There is more to my life than resenting people for not wanting to be understanding or having the capability of being compassionate towards the situation that I am in, after all a lot of the things I go through on a daily basis are the outcome of my own decisions and behaviors, yes I went through many things as a child, and experienced more in my life before the age of 18 than a lot of people experience in a lifetime, but that doesn’t change the fact that I as a woman need to forgive people who aren’t apologetic if I ever want to be truly released of all the demons who were left inside of me by the hands of another. I will never truly be able to move on if I hold on to that hurt and pain every single day,  I have made that decision to let go and no longer allow others to control my life. I need to be strong for the sake of my family, I need to show my children that I am resilient, that I am capable of being strong, and that I am capable of forgiveness. I refuse to allow them to for down the same path I was lead down, they deserve better, they deserve the best. They deserve the best of me as their mother, no matter how hard it may be to allow myself to feel good, I need to allow it for their sake. And I urge anyone who reads this to do the same. If you don’t feel you are worth it to do it for yourself, do it for the people or person who matters most to you. 

Abilities 

Some people have the ability to bring out the best in you, make you forget it all, and let go of all the hurt and pain you’ve been struggling with. Others have the ability to bring out the worst in you, and make you remember every little painful detail of your entire life, but then there are those rare people who have the ability to bring out the best and worst in you all at one time, and then where and how do you decide which one is worth more? How do you decide which is greater? The feeling of absolute bliss and live, or the heartache and pain of all things in the past. Where do you go from there? Do you hold onto the pleasurable and amazing moments, where you lose sight of all the bad and horrible things you have gone through, or do you let go of them knowing they have opened your mind and soul up to the depths of hell that you have attempted so long to avoid? Which is greater?  Which is more significant? How do you decide? How do you say this is what I want? Or do you just run from it all, the happiness, and the hurt and pain? To feel a certain numbness to life that you don’t care either way if you are happy or sad? 

Letting your guard down

​It’s hard to tear down a wall that has been put up for many years, it makes people vulnerable, can cause flashbacks, and sometimes good things don’t come from opening up. Many times they do, but there is always that fear that something bad will happen if you let people in and allow them to see that weaker more vulnerable side of you.  I think this poem fits perfectly with that,  enjoy 🙂

Catch me if I fall

By:Nikole Ace



“You say you want to see what’s beyond my wall, but will you be there if I fall?

There are many secrets I have buried deep, and most of those have always been mine to keep.

These secrets, the truth and this hurt, could cause many others  to be in the dirt.

In the dirt under the ground, that’s where so many like me can be found.

Found  in their graves 6 feet deep, all while loved ones are there to weep.

 Weeping all those salty tears, wondering what has happened all those years.

Years of sweeping things under the rug, brushing all all the pain off with a shrug.

Years of shrugging things off have come to a head, as many are lying there in their final bed.

A bed is where it all started this war, this war on life when all  I expected was more.

 More love, more understanding, more compassion, but many times it’s hard to take those actions.

 Actions speak louder than words they say, and that why I’ve this wall was built to this day.

This day you ask me to tear down that wall, but I ask can you catch me if I fall?”

Smile of a child

I look at my youngest son, who is about to be a year old in a few weeks, and all I ever get in return from him is a smile. No matter how I am feeling, I could be crying, I could be mad, I could be upset, I could be sad, no matter what is going on around him, when I look at him, he had the most loving and genuine smile. His smile can brighten up an entire room, his loving and carefree demeanor shows the purity and innocence of a child, something that each and every one of us once had, where and when did our innocence become a thing of the past? When was the first time that we were lead down a path that shattered all of that innocence and naivety? What was the turning point in our lives that made us realize things are just completely messed up around us? That this world is cold and cruel? That the world offers more pain and hurt than it does happiness? When did we lose those genuine, naive and ignorant smiles and start to force them pretending that everything around us is OK? It sure would be less stressful if we were able to walk around with out heads in the clouds as if nothing in this world is wrong, believing that everyone is good, and won’t hurt us, or being ignorant to the fact that this world is cold and unloving. Majority of people have an ulterior motive, looking for ways to recieve personal gain from people around them, making everyone who crosses their paths believe their lies, and twisted ways, until one day the truth comes out. I remember when I told my mother that her ex husband, and father to my younger brother had molested me, when I told her I felt a sense of relief, I felt like a burden had been lifted off of my shoulders, and I felt lighter as a person. I was only a young child still, and up until that point I had been terrified to tell her of the occurances that had happened. I felt confident that she would protect me, and make sure he paid for what he had done to me. I am not really sure of what I was expecting for her to do about it, but something would have been nice. She did not make much effort to make things better, I am not sure why I expected any different from her, but for some reason, probably because I was still a child, I had that faith and belief in her that things would be fixed, that she would talk to me about what happened, that she would make sure he paid for what he had done. Yet, just yet, she did not fight for me. She did not seek help for me. She never spoke about it again once the police told her they couldn’t do anything. Why and how could they say that? Why and how could she be OK with an answer like that, and never even try and help me with it all? Why? Just why as a mother could you just leave your only daughter hanging like that, knowing that your choice in a man, was clearly the wrong one, and where were you when you were supposed to be protecting me? Drugs and alcohol surely do consume peoples lives, and make them numb and blind to their surroundings. And how as an adult I wonder where did her life become so messed up for her to have no feelings towards me as her daughter? When did she lose that innocent smile? What made her put that first needle in her arm and make herself open toany men around her? What caused that? When did she lose that smile that could brighten up a room? I can not ask her these things, as she is no longer with us, and for many years I blamed her for the pain and hurt that I endured, and yes she surely was an abuser and neglectful as a mother, but I’m the end I am the only person responsible for my actions. I look at the smile on my children’s faces, and I know things need to be better, I know I have to make a change in my life, I know I need to learn to let go of all of the hurt and pain I have endured over my life time, but its not the easiest thing to do. When you become so accustomed to living on the defense, and so accustomed to being hurt and used and abused its what you begin to expect from any and everyone around you. Even if that isn’t their intention, at the end of the day in my experience there are more bad people in this world than good. Everyone is out for themselves, its hard to find a person, or people who is/are 100% genuine with their actions. As a parent you need to be genuine with your actions, you need to break the cycle of innocence being broken at an early age, we need to break the cycle of constant hurt and pain in life, and as parents we need to try and preserve those genuine, loving smiles for as long as we can before the cold, hard world takes over them. Many people tell me I shelter my kids too much, I don’t let them live, I don’t let them experience life, and maybe they are correct, IDK, but what I do know is, is that I don’t want them exposed to the outside world to harshly. I don’t want them to have a childhood that they will have to recover from, so in their adult years they have to sit in therapy once a week, or find themselves in the psych hospital numerous times, or having the overwhelming feeling of suicide for the greater part of their lives, I want them to know they are loved, that they are worth I, that they are strong. I need to he their greatest protector as a mother for as long as I am capable of. And if that means sheltering them from all the hurtful things in this world, than so be it. I font want to see those smiles fade, I don’t want to see hurt in their eyes when they look at me, I am not strong enough to handle seeing them pained the way I have been. 

I wonder…

​I am at the point in my life, When I need to the most reflective, where I need to revisit The past and let go of what has been causing the most pain. For many years I learned to cope with it all by just blocking it all out, by pretending a lot of things never happened, the embarrassment and shame surrounding certain situations lied deep in a dark place in my brain, locked behind a heavy door that I never wanted to find the key for that I had thrown away in the years prior. I subconsciously eased away any demons that tried to creep through the cracks by self medicating, and engaging in highly risky behavior. I unconsciously surrounded myself with people who weren’t the best influential crowd, I allowed them to take advantage of me (not sexually) in ways that my conscious state of mind knew better than. But, in that point in my life, I was OK with that, even though it made me miserable, and angry, and depressed. At that younger age, I didn’t know how to speak up for myself, I didn’t know how to stand my own ground, because for so many years, I was told I wasn’t worthy, I was told my thoughts meant nothing, I was told to just keep my mouth shut and go with the flow, I was told I was stupid, and undeserving of a better life, a better me, a better world. When you grow up with these words, and these actions by the people who you are supposed to be loved by the most, the people who are supposed to help mold you and your brain in a positive way, but they fail in doing so, it starts to cause you to believe and truly, deeply feel what they are saying to you, and about you. It becomes your inner voice. You feel like you aren’t good enough, because that’s what you have been taught, so while you “allow” (I put quotes there, because when you are young you have no choice but to go with the flow) for your entire life to be mind fucked by everyone who is influential around you, its what you are accustomed to, and what you believe to be normal. But what is normal? Do people really live those fairy tale lives? Or does everyone go through what you yourself have gone through? Are you just overreacting when you decide that you are no longer going to surround yourself with such behaviors? Or are you wrong for saying that’s not right, when in reality everyone has gone through things in their lives that have helped mold them who they are? Is this living this life what we were destined for? Is this what “God” had in store for us when he created us? I say “God” because in a perfect religious world, “God” has a plan for all of us, and before we are even brought into this world, “God” has already mapped out our lives for us, and places us in situations, and circumstances to help create and us who we become. I was raised in the church, and I can say that I never had bad experiences amongst the church family, with the few hypocrites, and judgemental people who attended but that is nothing far from the norm in the religious community. Although, I never had a bad experience, and actually enjoyed going to church growing up, I often wonder if there really, truly is a “God”.  ” God” is said to protect the children of this world, and to be all loving, compassionate and understanding, and that we are created perfect in the eyes of “God”, but I wonder if that’s the case then why does ” God” allow us to be put in situations when we are still young, where we have no control? Why does he allow us to be put in situations that will negatively impact our entire lives the way that they have? Where was he when we needed our purity and innocence to be protected at vulnerable points in development? Why does “God” allow for us to choose parents who don’t love us? Who want to hurt us? Who neglect us? Who are taken from us? If there is a “God” I am not so sure that that is a “God” that I would want to obey. I am sure there are people who are going to have an issue with what I am saying, or people who will criticize me for the thoughts that go through my mind. But unlike many church goers who have the same thoughts, but refuse to open their mouths about it, or admit that think these things, and be hypocrites, by sitting in a pew every week, pretending that this is a life that they agree with, and have never questioned. These are the same people, who live their life in a sinful way all week long, yet put their nose up high to everyone else around them, as though they are not flawed themselves. If people truly believed in the bible, and believed in “God” they would know that they are in no place to be placing judgement on others, we are all sinful in our own ways, and only “God” can make the decision at the end of our lives as to where we will be throughout eternity. I am not saying that I don’t believe at all in “God”, I am not saying that he is not real, or impossible to understand, but I am questioning it all as I reflect on the way my life has been, on the way things happened to me at a vulnerable age, at the way things happen to many people at vulnerable ages, surrounded bysex abuse, childhood cancer, children born with HIV/AIDS, world hunger, homelessness, child neglect, child abuse or pain. Why, if “God” loved us equally and created us all equally, why in the world we he ever allow for children to be brought into this world under such harsh circumstances? Why would HE who is all loving, be OK with the fact that there are so many children who are pained in this world? Is “God” just a figment of peoples imagination? A way for people to bring hope in their hearts, and trust in something/someone just to help ease their minds a bit to help them through trying times? Or he is really truly there through it all watching every step and move we make, praying that we take the right steps and paths. Yes. As adults we make our own decisions, yes as adults we choose what path we go down, and we are the writer of our own stories and make a decision as to how our story will end, but my question is why is HE not protecting the young and innocent? How can HE allow for young children go through all of the above mentioned things? 

My life as a butterfly

Much like the butterfly in its cocoon awaiting its transformation to beauty, that’s what I feel my road to recovery is like. Before I started therapy, I was like the caterpillar, easily misunderstood, ugly and frightening to some. Then as I felt the need to reach out, I started to build my cocoon around my body to protect it, to preserve it, to become invisible until just the right time to show my face to the world again, and then at that moment I will be seen as beautiful, and glorious, and carefree, just floating around in the wind barely touching (but just enough to make an impact) peoples lives around me. The butterfly is such a beautiful creature, its rare I see one where I live, but 4 times hours apart in one day, ( a cold day i might add) I saw the same butterfly outside guarding my house, as if she was wrapping her cocoon around me, and saying all will be OK, I am protecting you, I will guide you, I will give you strength, it will be OK. She spoke to me, with just the flap of her wings. I could feel a release of anxiety and pain leave my body as she circled around me. I knew then, in that moment, that I had to continue to push farther, and harder. I needed to tell myself, if this beautifully delicate creature can go from a caterpillar to this beautiful butterfly, and find her way to me in the cold, I as well can go through the same transition. 

Understanding who I am

​When dealing with mental illness people who have no experience in the matter always approach you with the why questions, why can’t you just be happy? Why are you so angry? Why can’t you just move on? Why can’t you just be normal? Why do you act like this? Why can’t you control your emotions? Why can’t you change? Why do you let yourself act this way? They always you ask you whys, but never ask whats? What can I do to help? What exactly causes this to happen? What is out there to help you feel better? What triggers you? What eases you? What hurts you? What causes you pain? But instead, 9/10 (unless you are dealing with a licensed medical professional), they will always think the worst after you tell them or be highly judgmental towards you, and you get that side eye stare, like ooooh this bitch is crazy. If you didn’t think I was crazy before you knew of my diagnosis what makes you think I am crazy now? Sometimes what people don’t understand is when you open up and tell them of your mental health it takes an obscene amount courage and trust to open up about it, no matter how close anyone thinks they are to you, if you haven’t opened up to them on that level, then you never fully trusted them. Some people are proud and openly accepting of their mental illness, but majority of the time people are scared to let others in because of the horrible stigma surrounding the mental health community. Do people not realize that majority of the time the things that people go through are not by choice? Do people think that we just wake up one morning and say oh, I think I may get a little psycho today on someone? Feels like a good day to fuck up mine and someone else’s life? No. We don’t. Do we always wake up happy though? Not generally. But that doesn’t change the fact that we aren’t waking up with the intention to hurt others, whether mentally, or physically. Granted it takes a lot of control not to hurt other people,  in the end that’s not really want we have wanted or desired. We normally just want to be loved, no matter how difficult we are and can be. We want to have that one person who can be there for us through it all, one person who is able to handle what we have to offer as a human being, the good, the bad, and the absolutely horribly ugly. A person who is compassionate and understanding of our moods, and instability. What outsiders don’t realize is that a majority of the time we are harder on ourselves than anybody else, and instead of hurting other people, we choose to hurt ourselves over anyone else. For many years I know I engaged in self destructive behaviors. I still do now, but not to the extreme as I used too. Whenever I would feel down, I would think of how I felt at that moment, and then what I would need soothe my pain at that specific moment, if I wanted to feel loved, I would engage in sexual activities with whoever, If I wanted to just relax, I would smoke marijuana, if I wanted to feel on top of the world, I would take ecstasy, If I wanted to be happy and smiling all the time, I would drink alcohol, if I wanted to sleep I would pop some pills. If I just wanted to be completely fucked up and not feel a dam thing I would combine them all, and just live my life in a blur. That happened on more occasions than I would prefer to specify, BC it is rather embarrassing. I can proudly say that I have been clean from drugs (other than prescribed) for about 4 years now, in the past 3 years I can count on less than both hands the amount of times I have drank alcohol, but the less I self medicate, the more suicidal I become, and the number of attempts have increased drastically. I will take any type of over the counter meds, or prescribed meds as I can to just try and be rid of all of the pain in my brain, heart and life. I rarely engage in sexual activities, and have only had one partner for quite a few years now, which I am shocked at myself for staying faithful, even through the lack of physical intimacy and understanding I receive from my partner. Which are both things that I absolutely crave. Many times I have been tempted to just go fuck a random guy to get the release I need, not because I actually want to leave my partner, or because I want another man, but because I just want to get rid of the pain I feel. Yet instead I just hurt myself, by taking a lot of pills, or cut myself, or scratch or hit myself with some kind of object, or chop crazy amount of hair from my head over the bathroom sink, just to get that release out, and then move forward from the pain I already had and the rejection I  am now feeling from the lack of intimacy. No. I don’t want to only base my life on sex, but I still need and crave that feeling of another person, but apparently that doesn’t always happen, and If I want to continue to have some sort of stability, even if its fucked up stability, and probably not the healthiest, I need to accept that this is the way my life is now.